Starting a long journey...

Today starts a long journey on the road of menopause maintenance. I meet with my GP to discuss coming off of Zoloft for anxiety, even though I still struggle with it. It's the catch 22 of coming off of anxiety meds to figure out if my estrogen levels are too low which in turn is causing me to have anxiety. Changing hormonal meds can take up to 6 weeks to figure out if they are a good match or entirely the wrong match which will then make me feel worse. Seems like a vicious cycle but it is the only way for me to figure out my body. The body in which I really am not fond of. I'm not fond of the weight I gain from the two meds I'm on. I'm not fond of them making me hungry. I'm not fond of the hair loss. I am however happy for my life, my husband, son, family, and friends. I will not let this beat me, bring me down any further. I'm determined to win and get my life back. And to lose meds, weight, and anxiety. Please God, I will win this fight. Next week is my consult with my gyn for hormone options. Til then.. Adios amigos!

Birthday Party Plans in Full Swing..

Carter's birthday party plans are really shaping up. I'm quite excited. I've received his high chair decor for his cake smash. I've made some signs on the computer for other decorations and have the menu pretty set. Woot! His Dr. Seuss party will be a smash and I'm thrilled.. since I love planning. Yet, I am so sad because that means my baby is going to be one. Not so much a baby anymore.

This week has been a better one for me, emotionally. I've really put a lot into the hands of God and just decided that I can't be anxious about my health and other things. With this whole baptism going on in April, I've really tried to dedicate time to church, reading, and meetings. It makes me feel like a better person and kind of grounds me a bit.

Tomorrow is Carter's first birthday party for a friend! My girlfriend's son Chase will be having his party at a bowling alley. Not that Carter can bowl or anything, but we'll make an appearance for some cake and celebrations!

My cool purchase of the week is a pair of Tom's shoes. I like the idea that for every pair of shoes you buy, they give a pair to a child in need. I haven't worn them yet, but I'm pretty sure they'll be comfy.

Well, time for dinner that the hubby made. Maybe even a glass of wine...

Ciao.

Superbowl.. Shmooperbowl..

i truly could not care less about the superbowl.. this year, or any other year. Yes, I am currently watching it.. but it's because I like funny commercials and I live with a male. The Blake Shelton appearance was a surprise though. He's adorable.

What would be even better on this Sunday evening is if I had some wings, celery, blue cheese, and beer. But I don't. I'll have to settle for chocolate chip cookie dough frozen yogurt. I guess that makes me a little less of a fat ass. Not much.. but just a little. I guess if I want to lose twenty pounds I need to make sacrifices. My sacrifices should be greater.. but hey.. baby steps.

Carter had lots of milestones this week. He is crawling. He has a tooth. He pulls himself up from sitting to standing on the table, in the crib, on the couch, pretty much everywhere. He does raspberries, finger paints, and is darling. I love my little man.

What's not to love?!

Toothies..

Carter has a toothie coming in and I am very excited. Probably more excited than I should be.. but it's a milestone in my baby's life! :)

Little dude has been sleeping in his crib like a champ. Pretty much every night until about 4am. Score for him.. making me a proud mama!

I've been bathing suit browsing for the summer. Obvs I am so excited for warm weather and the beach. Now if only I can get my ass into shape and stop eating like crap. We did do pretty good food shopping tonight.. now if only I can make some time to go to the gym in between work, mommy, church obligations, the new mommy group I am looking to join, friends and family, and sorority stuff (that I hope to get back into this semester). Aah.. I love being busy but I also don't like missing my little dude when he isn't with me.

I'm tired. I need lots of sleep. I need a brisk walk tomorrow. and then perhaps a bottle of wine that has no calories in it. ha.. fat chance.

happy thursday evening.

Busy Weekend

Twas a busy weekend in the Ford household.. Friday evening Carter and I spent time with my mom. She had a procedure done last week that required her to take it easy... so we went over to keep her company and make her smile. Of course our night was filled with laughs, food, and drinks. That's what we do best.

 and 

Fabulous night.. obviously.

Saturday I woke up to the white stuff. Cold and wet and snowy. Yuck. But I had to drive to work anyway. On the way down the expressway, the snow disappeared. Awesome. I worked til 5 and headed home to get my little man. My father in law had him all afternoon and it was time for mommy to love up on him while daddy worked.

Sunday we headed up to PA to see little brother's Senior hockey game for Neumann University. It was their last home game so seniors were honored. Chris played the entire game.. and it was pretty intense. They won! Congrats buddy!

Today I was supposed to have jury duty.. but my number was dismissed.. so.. I had a mommy to herself day.. because Carter had me up all night. :( Little guy must be teething. So.. he spent the day with his Gram and Poppy and I relaxed a bit. Now to do it all over again tomorrow with work...

Off to relax.... while keeping the Rezzetti's in my prayers after Carol had a heart attack! :(

Getting a Mommy through the Day..

To my darling Aubs.. I miss you like woah.. and I want my jammies stat! :)

Being a mommy isn't always puppies and rainbows and all things pleasant..

Though, it would be nice.. especially if I had a cute puppy like those. Instead I have an old girl.. who seems to hate me and Carter. She eats everything that is mine and does not touch Jim's stuff. I guess she's out to get us. Don't let her cuteness below fool you.

To get me through the day, I like to believe that I start off with a nice huge smile from Carter. Some days I do... and some days I start off with tears.

I'd start off with this cry baby any day..

not so much this one...

Some days, we relax around the house and enjoy our toys and some trashy television. I'm really thinking that Maury needs to get some new topics.. how many shows can you have that says "Jon, you are the father of Jess, Kim, and Tammy's kids!"

After our Maury fix, we settle down to HGTV the rest of the day. Yes, I mean that channel is on for the remainder of the day.. unless I have to switch to cartoons..

this..

versus..
this..


I think Property Brothers wins.. and they are much more handsome. The way I see it.. One day I might end up with a beautiful kitchen like this...

instead of nightmares of this guy..



During the day we have diaper changes that end up as total clothing changes.. or roll around the floor naked and play with my diaper changes.


All while singing the famous ABC's and jumping like a nut in the Baby Einstein jumper. Which by the way, I totally recommend.
 + 

is our learning time.

Although by the end of the day, I'm exhausted and tired of the alphabet song and I look like I've been soaked by the shower (or just teething baby drool).

This smile always makes it better and totally worth it...
And then I end the evening with this...

one paci isn't enough.. we need two..

Just like mommy needs a nice glass of wine and her hubby..

Ahh.. the life of a mommy. HaHa..

Side tracked..

Whew..it's been a whirlwind of a week for me. Between taking care of Carter, figuring out our baptisms, working, planning his first birthday, and spending time with family.. we've been busy!

Good news.. after a little over ten years of classes and procrastination, I will finally be baptized and receive all of my sacraments that I need at this time to become a Catholic. Carter and I will both be baptized at the Easter Vigil this year. Don't worry... once we know times and specifics, we will spread the word to let everyone know! The same goes for his birthday..

Christmas pictures and a new calendar were ordered from shutterfly! :)

Things to be thankful for this week:

1. Life.
2. Health.
3. An old friend's baby who was born prematurely with some issues and needed surgery is doing very well. I've been praying for baby Lily and her family.

I'm sure I can think of more later... but I'm going to take advantage of a hot shower while Carter is sleeping!

*nighty*

Happiness is.....

1. a big smile from my little man when he sees me... and then puts his arms out for me..
2. a giant hug and a kiss from my hubby..
3. laughing until it hurts with my momma..
4. memorable ringtones, songs, and crazy times with my bff...
5. looking up to my big brother when i was growing up..
6. spending summers with my grandparents...
7. eating crabbies with my daddy..
8. sand in between my toes, ocean breeze in my hair on a warm summer day...
9. rain storms that either make me want to cuddle up in bed.. or clean the day away...
10. dawson's creek marathons..
11. midsummer's night candles and a hot shower..
12. the smell of fresh clean laundry...
13. turning up the stereo and singing like crazy to my favorite songs while driving..
14. a mother-in-law that i can talk to like she is my own mom..
15. prayer.. it has gotten me through the past six months..
16. waking up everyday, with a fresh start, food on the table, clothes on my back, and a decently healthy life, which is much more than some others have.

happiness isn't materialistic. life is about the people i can spend it with, the memories i can make, and the smiles i can give and receive. i'm so grateful for the love and support in my life and the amazing people that i surround myself with.

And another one bites the dust...

Another weekend in the books...

They really do go by very quickly.

We pretty much set the location for Carter's first birthday- thanks to his Uncle Mikey!! I'm getting more and more excited.

On another note, I go to a baptism class on Tuesday for Carter to go about getting him baptized soon.

Well.. not much to report tonight... moving on to another manic Monday!

Menopause

Menopause is something that I really didn't know about six months ago. Unfortunately, it's something that I was forced to learn about by being put into surgical menopause at the age of 26. Yes, I knew that menopause was something all women went through eventually and it dealt with losing estrogen and the ability to reproduce due to end of menstruation. What I didn't know was the effects it could have on your emotional and physical well being. In June, after the birth of Carter, I ended up hemorrhaging severely due to my uterus not being able to contract back because I had a rare infection/uterine atony/sepsis. After my c section, I went into cardiac arrest due to the blood loss and was revived by CPR. I had a lung collapse and had to have a chest tube inserted as well as being intubated on breathing support. The doctors did an emergency hysterectomy to get the blood loss under control since I was clotting in my uterus. I was sedated and in the ICU for four? days. I still had not met my son at that point due to a high fever. Doctors weren't sure if I would have brain damage due to the code. Luckily I am alive. The trauma has left me with constant thoughts of what happened to me, what could happen to me, and anxiety of dying. I also am still trying to figure out how my body is supposed to feel due to surgical menopause. According to doctors and websites, joint pain, fatigue, and anxiety are all common with menopause. So, here I am... Figuring out what is going on inside of my body.. And grieving the loss of what makes me a woman and the ability to not have any more children.

Hypochondriasis

I feel like my late grandmother. But I think it's true. I've become a hypochondriac. I imagine everyday pains or issues becoming a life threatening illness or disease. I google symptoms and feel like I've developed something. This week I was in between a blod clot that may end up as a pulmonary embolism or multiple sclerosis. I have no clue why! Well I do.. It was the trauma of Carter's birth and the sudden passing of my grandmother. I'm afraid to die and leave my family and friends, especially Jim, Carter, and my mom.

This blog was originally started for me to address these issues and write about them. But then I figured I'd sound crazy writing it down. I need it to be cathartic so I can help myself over these feelings and the PTSD. 2012 will be my year to end the cycle. Well at least I'm hoping. 4 months of these feelings is plenty. Luckily it hasn't been solid and I've had great weeks. So here is hoping for some relief..

Off to be a mommy!

Baby, it's cold outside...

20 effin degrees.. say whatthef?!*$&* Carter and I stayed indoors today because it was way too cold to go out. So we hung out inside and played all day and started planning his first birthday! I am incredibly excited to plan and prepare for it!

Pinterest is my new best friend. totally in love with it and all the cool things to organize. super helpful for Carter's first birthday!

anxiety sucks today...but hopefully it will get better!!

i'm boring today ya'll.. goodnite!

Working for a living..

or just two days a week at the moment. It's bittersweet not having my own store to run. I miss my girls and I miss doing things the way I want. Not that I can't take direction because I am a team player, I just like being in control. On the other hand, I love being able to work my 8 hours or less and go home and not have to worry about a thing. I love not making schedules..and I love being home with Carter. So, in the end, it all works out. Everything happens for a reason.

Time to relax..

Being a mom

It's amazing how one little less than 20 pound person can wrap you around their finger in an instant. While relaxing on the couch, I am sitting here watching Carter bounce like a maniac in his exersaucer- incredibly happy. The moment he sees me typing, he does a fake cry to get my attention. I talk to him and he lights up again. Jim and I have created the most amazing little dude and I couldn't imagine life without him now.

Off to change a stinky diaper.. oh the joys of being a mom!

Resolutions...

And so it begins.. 2012. I love new years and all that comes with them. It's like a breath of fresh air; a rebirth. It's the time to clean the house and burn candles that smell like clean laundry. It's the time of the year that I like to rid my life of junk and things that I no longer use. And.. it's when I vow to change something in my life to make a better me.. usually lose some sort of weight.. which never happens because I like junk food and alcohol. I make up some lame excuse at the end of the year of why I still have those extra pounds and vow to do it next year... usually next year never comes. BUT... this year is different; I feel it.

This year I will be a better me. I have someone to be a better me for. It's amazing what having a child can do for the soul. There's a love and excitement for each day that cannot be described. Carter will make me a better person because I want to be an exceptional role model and bring him up with values and teach him to reach his goals. So here goes.. this is what I WILL accomplish this year:

1. Lose 15 pounds. This may sound crazy, but I want to be at the weight I was when I graduated high school and entered college. Yep.. my weight.. oh.. ten years ago. Yes, I graduated high school ten years ago and that officially makes me feel OLD.

2. Stop cursing. I'm pretty sure I will not think it is cool if Carter's first word is $hit or F*ck. I mean, my mom and my husband may laugh.. and I would probably chuckle on the outside, but be devastated on the inside. Remember.. positive role model here!

3. Blog. I'm having high hopes with daily. If I hit three times a week, I will be proud of myself.

Those are my top three resolutions. I have mini ones that I'd like to accomplish like keeping in touch with people better, going to church at least twice a month, spending money a little more wisely, using my gym membership, etc. But hey.. I've got to start somewhere. 2012 will be better than 2011... at least I am praying that it will be!

What will you do in twenty-twelve...?

Ringing it in on a positive note,
Tartar Sauce